Happy Thanksgiving!

FAMILY....We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all!

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving.  We have so much to be thankful for this year! 

 

Sarah made it to her Dr. appt. on Monday.  She text me after the appointment and stated that the "dr. search is over!"  Now, in my world, the search would have been over years ago as I have had the same OBGYN for 15 years.  But, this isn't my world and we just have to be thankful that she was able to find a doctor to care for her in the last weeks of her pregnancy. 

 

Hopefully we will have many questions answered on Tuesday, as she goes in for an ultrasound.  Now, according to her, she needs two ultrasounds a week until she delivers.  I find that hard to believe and have been googling reasons why someone would need two ultrasounds a week.....note to self:  stay off Google!  My guess is she misunderstood, but we are thankful for the Tuesday ultrasound!  I am going to let her know that if she would like me to be on speaker phone at her appointments to just call me! I would feel better about that!  In the mean time, we are waiting for her medical records from that appointment to be sent to us!

 

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch.  We hosted it this year and had my family as well as Greg's family.  It was a fun filled three days, and of course, My mom, the kids and I all went out  Black Friday shopping!  Tre' shopped with us like a trooper and then went to work at 3:30 am!  Later Friday morning, Greg took Taylen and Ashlin to the Husker game while Tre' slept and my mom and I continued shopping!  We did get a little nap in the 4th quarter before we had all the family back over for left overs!  We had a great time and ate entirely too much! Today's walk with the dogs was extra long to help with my potential weight gain!

 

Today, I mailed out our Christmas cards, so that must mean Christmas is right around the corner!  Christmas music, hot cocoa and Christmas decorating is on the agenda tomorrow!

Expecting without pregnancy

Adopting one child won't change the world, but for that child the world will change

Today was a big day!  I knew Sarah was going in for her OB visit this morning.  She text me the other day and informed us!  We also had an interview scheduled with our pediatrician.

I was shopping at Hobby Lobby today...about 11:15 a.m. and I thought I would text Sarah to see how her appointment went.  I had been thinking about it all morning, but I didn't want to seem to eager and I sure didn't want her to think that is all I cared about.  I started out by telling her it snowed here, and then I asked her how her appointment went.  She informed me that the "walk-in" clinic she went to early this morning only takes the first 5 patients and she was the 6th one.  My heart sunk a little!  Now, I know from having my own OB appointments, that these normal appointments aren't that informative.  They measure, listen to the heartbeat, and answer any questions.  Questions I would ask, but was sure she wouldn't ask.  But to have her go to that appointment would prove to us that she is trying to be responsible and taking care of our baby.  She said she would try again Monday.  I, again, am experiencing something I have never experienced.  What pregnant person DOESN'T have a regular doctor with regular appointments?  Why isn't this as important to her as it is to me?  Is she hiding something that will devastate us later?  But, then again, if she was having the same feelings as us, I would not be writing this blog.  And once again, the harsh reality that I am not in control.  This young  woman was holding our parental destiny in her hands.  Let's hope she is one of the first 5 patients on Monday. 

Now, for those of you who know me, know that I LOVE my kids' pediatrician and his office.  So, it wasn't even a discussion as to where we would take the baby.  Greg has heard me talk of Dr. Brad and was excited to meet him.  So, I gathered up my newly organized binder (I clearly have too much time on my hands or a little OCD) and we headed to the pediatricians office for our "new baby" interview.  I interviewed him when I moved to Lincoln and was pregnant with Taylen and we have been going to the same pediatrician for 15 years, so I knew how they do things.  but, I wanted to interview him again for two reasons: 1) I wanted Greg to meet him; 2) I had a ton of questions!  Mom takes advil, is that ok?  Mom says she has smoked, is that ok?  We are going to be living in a hotel for a few days/weeks, at what point should I take the baby in for a check?  When should we schedule his appointment when we get back?  What formula should we use?  Can we fly back with the baby or should we drive?  

Dr. Brad gave us a book - Birth to Age 5.  Greg was excited...his new nightly reading, he informed me! He spent an hour and twenty minutes with us after his office was closed, and explained everything to us.  He looked through the medical records and thought everything looked great.  Of course, the more records we have, the better, but we will take what we can get! At the end of the conversation, he said, "You call anytime you want, even if you are in Cincinnati and I will call you back.  And the minute you get back, I want to look over the baby, so we will get you in anytime!"  Greg was very impressed with him and I had a little less anxiety.  

After reading through the records, he couldn't pinpoint a due date....or a gender!  This could get interesting!

Ooo, we need to buy a turkey...we are hosting Thanksgiving in a few days...boy did that sneak up on us!  

So much different that when I was pregnant

Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us.

After that whirlwind few days, thing started to slow down, which is a good thing for my heart! :-)

We exchanged phone numbers with Sarah and her and I text a few times a week.  I can't believe it has been only two weeks since we learned of her.  I feel like time is standing still!

During one of our texting conversations, I asked her how far along she was.  Now, I can do that math, but it just made me feel better hearing it from her.  Her response "I'm not really sure, I stopped counting, but I think I am due February 4, 2014."  Now, I just sat there and stared at my phone.  Two things jumped out at me.  I went into Greg's office and read it to him.  February 4th?  I swear Mary told us January 2nd?  And, any of my friends, or myself that have been pregnant know exactly how far along they were.  I took this as a good sign that she wasn't attached!

You have to understand when you are dealing with women who are not emotionally connected to their pregnancy, a due date doesn't matter.  The "weeks" don't matter.  Mary had to explain this to me as I couldn't comprehend this!  As Greg said, February 4th actual works better for us...as our January is full and the kids will be gone.  But we will make anything work!  

We received the medical records and her paperwork from the agency.  I have scoured that paperwork at least 100 times! And from what I can figure out, she is due anytime between now and February 4th!  So, as with this whole process, we will wait and just know it is out of our hands!  And how very hard this is for me for something so important to be completely out of my control!

And I am not sure exactly where they found that the baby was a boy!

Meeting your child's mother

Little souls find their way to you, whether they're from your womb or someone else's

Meeting your child's mother is like nothing else you've ever done, so you haven't the foggiest notion how to act.   I was a nervous wreck.

The phone call was to take place at 5:30 pm CST (6:30 EST and 3:30 PST).  We were going to be on a conference call first with just Mary and then she would bring Sarah on.  I told Mary how nervous I was and she said that Sarah was just as nervous.  Greg, of course, was just as calm as ever.  I'm so glad one of us stays calm in this process!

We knew she was a 28 yr old, single, African American, and sure she didn't want to keep the baby.  She got on the phone and we could barely hear her.  She was so nervous and so quiet.  We had a lovely conversation that lasted about an hour.  She opened up a lot.  She told us about her childhood, her adulthood, what her family was like.  She knows she has made bad decisions in her life and she wants to make something of herself someday.  She asked us about our lives and what we like to do and about how we celebrate holidays.  She asked us if we would be okay with raising an African American baby.  

She sounded perfect to us.  Now, we know she isn't in the perfect situation and as far as we know, she is capable of deception.  But, we liked her so much right now and she was doing the most selfless act that we could think of.  I know I could never do what she is doing.  She was sweet and funny and that is just how we wanted to know her "in our minds".  

We know there is a high risk of an adoption failing.  We are aware of that.  Like I told Greg, they could have called us right back after the call on November 4, 2013 and told us that she changed her mind and we would've been just as devasated as we will be if God forbid she changes her mind in a few months.  So, we did what I know how to do best...we went shopping and picked up our first baby items!  

November 4, 2013

"Giving birth does not make a mother.....Placing a child for adoption does not make her less of one."

I remember the date and what we were doing like it was yesterday.  It was a Monday night.  The kids were both gone for the evening and Greg and I had just finished up supper.  Our deal is I cook dinner and he cleans up - I know, I have a pretty great husband! So, I made my way to the couch to relax for a second and he was finishing up the dishes.  I remember we had just started talking about the "what ifs".  What if we don't get a call for another year?  What if we NEVER get a call?  What if we get the call and then she ends up having twins? (cue 'Friends' episode here)  What do you think we will "have"? Boy or Girl? Big baby or tiny baby?  Where do you think the birth mother will be from? 

Because we are doing a domestic adoption, we have to stay in the state that the baby is born until the paperwork goes through the courts.  Could be a couple days to a few weeks!  So, in our conversation, I was saying that if we were to get a call and the baby was to be born in the winter, I was kind of hoping it would be a "warm" state.  Greg thought we would probably get a birth mother from Pennsylvania or somewhere around there.  It was fun to imagine when/where!

So, my heart stopped at 7:03 pm on November 4, 2013 when my phone rang and the caller ID came up "Unknown Caller".  Now, I have no idea, other than a "gut feeling" why that phone call stopped me dead in my tracks.  Every time the agency called me, it always came up with their number.  I answered the phone and I heard a very sweet voice, "Jami, this is Mary, your Adoption Advisor.  Is Greg around so I can speak to the two of you together?"  Of course, we perched ourselves on that kitchen bar stool and heard the best thing we've heard "Jami and Greg, congratulations, you have been chosen by a birth mother!"  

We didn't know what to do or say.  Do I cry? Do I sit quietly and listen?  Do I run outside and scream up and down the street that we are going to be parents?  

Mary continued, "Her name is Sarah, she is from Cincinnati and she is African American.  We also know the sex of the baby, but we will get to that later.  The baby is healthy and he is due January 2, 2014."  "So it's a BOY!!!" I said.  "Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you know, I didn't even know if you wanted to know.  It slipped!"  Greg and I sat there and took notes and just looked and each other!  

Mary told us the information we needed to know and told us we could call her back in the morning to let her know if we wanted this opportunity and if we did, we would then set up a "meeting" with the birth mother.  I said, "Can we call you back in 5 minutes?"  "No, take the evening to think about it and I will talk to you in the morning! I get in at 7:00 am PST"

We called the kids and informed them and asked what they thought and we were all so excited!

So, at 9:00 am CST and (7:00am PST), November 5, 2013, I called Mary back and told her we would be delighted to welcome this new little boy into our family!  

How many people don't like us?

This is the start of your sweet little story.  The part where your page meets ours.  No matter where your tale takes you, our story will always read Love!

 

 

Once we arrived at Aunt Laura's house, I felt a bit rude, but I NEEDED to see the website and what it was all about.  In the email from the agency, they told us how to access it as a "user".  Even though we could not make changes, we could see how many people visited our profile!

 

 

Telling us that we can see the profile view count, is, in my opinion, like giving a woman a due date when she is pregnant!  It really means nothing, just gives you something else to obsess about.

 

 

Greg and I decided we would not tell anyone about the websites...after all, we (I) wanted the count to be accurate and not just our friends and family looking at the page.  So this is where my obsession began, right there in Aunt Laura's kitchen on our vacation to get on with our lives!

 

 

I would check that site every hour....Oh look, 2 people visited.  Now 9 people.  Now 17 people.  By the time we got in the car on Sunday to drive back home, we had 22 views.  Greg finally says to me, "what does that mean to you?"  Well, I hadn't thought about that.  I guess it means that 22 people looked at our profile, and 22 people didn't like us because we hadn't received a call.  So it became our joke.  "How many people don't like us today?"

 

By November 3, 2013, 8 days after our website was "live", we had 49 people that didn't like us.  I was frustrated.  Realistically, I know that it can take years to adopt, but in my heart, I kept thinking about the photos on the website, the letters, our biography....what is it about us that birth moms don't like.  We are probably too old!

 

I talked to my mom that night on the phone and voiced my frustration.  And in true Kiley fashion, she said, "Just wait, it will probably be that 50th person that falls in love with you!"  

There is little left to do...

                           It isn't where you came from, it's where you're going that counts.

As a wedding gift from Greg's Aunt and Uncle, we were invited to Minneapolis to attend the NE versus the Minnesota team.  Clearly, I am not aware of what happens in the football world.  When we opened the gift, Greg sees two tickets to a Husker game, I see an afternoon at IKEA!  So, as very kind as it was for his Aunt and Uncle to invite us, I gave up my ticket and we took Taylen with us! So, that is what we did the last weekend in October.  We have all of our paperwork turned in, what else do we have to do except get on with our lives and wait!

We left on Friday morning and started the 6 hour drive up to Minneapolis.  For any of you that know me, I hate driving anywhere.   I would rather fly even though I am not a fan of flying.  And Taylen inherited that from me as well!  So, it was a long drive for Greg!!!  This is the car ride where we had story time and Taylen put his headphones on and watched movies!  Tre' had no interest in going on this trip with us as he had just gotten back from a mini vacation for fall break in Chicago. 

When we arrived in Minneapolis, we went straight to IKEA and boy did I have a good time!  The boys, not so much, but I was in heaven!  I needed pictures frames, and they are nice there and cheap! So I loaded up. And they have a wonderful baby section, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to buy anything.  I mean, our website hasn't even been created yet,  and we have only been signed with them for 11 days. 

My phone was dead, but I didn't care, I was having a great time shopping!  Greg and Taylen would take every opportunity to "try out the chairs" and sit and play on their phones.  It was then that Greg says to me, "Did you get the email?  Our websites are complete."  I had suddenly lost interest in shopping (clearly he planned that), quickly checked out, because I needed to go see exactly what birth mothers were seeing!

Trying to be "perfect" in a not so perfect world

 

 

 

Not everyone will understand your journey.  That's fine.  It's not their journey to make sense of.  It's yours.



We received the requirements the Media Department needed to be able to start "marketing" us.  They needed two "Dear Birth Mother" letters (so we each wrote one) and 100 pictures.  Couples, individual "action" pictures, pictures of the boys,  home, etc....Thank goodness I carry my camera everywhere!  They would let us know when our websites would be up and birth mothers' actually had our pictures to look at. 

And our first Home Study was scheduled!

Our home was unnaturally clean!  I vacuumed every room twice, dusted, scrubbed the toilets in every bathroom,  and hung up pictures I have been putting off hanging.  Does this look like the perfect home for a baby?  Would our social worker see right through everything that was perfectly placed and think we were being "fake".  How does one prepare their home for a life changing event?

We were lucky enough to get Michelle.  She was our social worker in charge of our home study.  She was very nice and laid back and has also adopted two children.  A home study is mandatory for adoption and is carried out solely by your social worker, so I was happy Michelle was so awesome!  She came to our home three different times and gave us another ream of paper to fill out to complete our home study, along with telling us we needed to complete 10 hours each of "education". Education?  I have raised two boys, I think real life is education enough!  But, we obliged and watched our movies, had "story time" in the car where I would read chapters of books out loud while Greg drove and write reports on what we learned. We had to get background checks from local, state and FBI.  I started second guessing myself on if I had a criminal record or if we were qualified to parent...even though we were in the process of parenting Tre' and Taylen.  It's amazing how much this process makes you question all your natural abilities. 

Worse than a job interview

Even miracles take a little time.

 

 

 

 I was so excited to receive the packet of paperwork and information from the adoption agency.  It was delivered UPS 2nd Day Air and I felt like it was Christmas.  I opened it up and in it was what seemed like a ream of paper...all to be filled out by us.  I immediately ran and showed Greg!  This is it...we are getting a child....after ALL this paperwork gets filled out!  That was October 7, 2013!

 

So, this is where Greg and I differ!  He wants to look through each piece of paper and methodically think it out...I want to dive right in and get it done.  And so, on October 8, 2013, I was faxing in our finished paperwork. 

 

 

 

 

 

The agency replied back in a timely manner and our first official telephone meeting was scheduled.  October 11, 2013 at 11:00 a.m.  For me, the three days between the paperwork getting turned in and our first telephone call were torture!  Little did I know what we had in store for us. 

 

 

Greg and I positioned ourselves at our kitchen bar and waited for the phone to ring and promptly at 11:00 a.m., it did.  This meeting was with Kay.  She was our "Adoption Specialist" who would review our paperwork and tell us what the agency could do for us.  She went over our requirements in a birth mom....of course, every family wants a healthy baby, we were lucky enough to get to chose this.  We also chose that we did not care on gender or ethnicity!  She did warn us that because we just opened ourselves up to any ethnicity, that it MAY move quick.  After this phone call, there would be another phone call the next day with Wendy, an attorney at this agency.  Wendy also reiterated that the process MAY move quickly since we weren't picky on ethnicity or gender.  In my mind, I heard that we should be getting a call tomorrow about having a baby and in Greg's realistic mind, he heard it could be up to 1 year before we get "the call".

 

 

Greg and I both had such a great vibe after both phone calls and knew this was a huge leap of faith, but we decided we wanted to work with this agency! They seemed very helpful and knowledgeable and so nice! We spoke to Tre' and Taylen about our decision on this agency and they were so excited!  So on October 14, 2013, we were officially signed on and became a  "waiting family".

 

 

The next call would be from the agencies "Media Department" to help us with our profile.  This was strange to me....This is where a birth mother picks us!

 

And let the Home Study process begin.....

 

 

 



Deciding to Expand our Family

 

Being a family means your are a part of something very wonderful.  It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life.  No matter what!

 

 

We knew once we pulled the trigger on the adoption decision, we were on uncharted territory.  We knew one, maybe two people who had adopted.  We could follow the how-to books and great advice offered to us to get us from start to finish (from application to baby), and I have watched just enough Dateline and 48 hour Mystery television programs to know that adoption can also be a scary thing, but where do we start?

 

The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a person, as a mother and father, and ultimately as a human being, I would assume.  It takes more courage, trust and patients than we thought we had.

 

We did entertain the idea of a surrogate mother for about 5 minutes.  We had a consultation with an office in Colorado and when we got off the phone, we knew at that moment that surrogacy was not for us.  We wanted a child.  We didn't care if it was at all biologically ours, we wanted a child. 

 

We started looking around Nebraska at different adoption agencies and ran into the same problem with every single one of them....they would not even entertain our application until we were married for 3 or more years.  I could not comprehend this, but rules are rules.  And for some reason, Nebraska has some different laws, so we had to find a national agency that would also work with Nebraska.  That was a challenge in and of itself! 
 

I spoke to my great friend, Amy, and she suggested we use her agency out of California.  I was so excited.  I called them, and what do you know, they don't work with couples in Nebraska.  Our first rejection and I was crushed.  I thought it would be perfect as we knew someone who had been through it and could trust this agency.  (Because, believe me, there are A LOT of shady ones out there!)  They were able to refer me to another California based national agency and my spirits were lifted again! 

 

I made the first call the beginning of October and was directed to someone to "give me information" and I knew then I had made the call that would change our lives forever.